His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
