I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
