theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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