My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize