I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
