we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
