I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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