grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
