The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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