literally had 100 drinks last night.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
