you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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