I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
