took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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