Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
