i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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