I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
