I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
