I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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