you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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