Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
