I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize