he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
