Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Farmville is her only friend.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
