WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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