Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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