I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
