A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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