I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it was like eating out sand paper
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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