she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
