omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
