I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Randomize
