Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
