So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
