Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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