i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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