my sisters under your porch take her home
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
my being single is dangerous.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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