can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
