im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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