Don't make out with my wife yet
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
