his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
