gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I love how my cats smell like pot.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
