the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
