So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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