I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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