Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
