i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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