Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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