your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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