Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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