I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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