thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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