dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I think my fart just growled at me.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
