Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
