I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
