How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
