She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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