he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize