how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
