I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
