Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
