apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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