I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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