I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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