Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
