My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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