This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
