I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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