Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
